Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel Harper Perennial, 2007 ISBN: 978-0060753641 272 p.p.
the poetry of the book, a testimony
admittedly i was too young to have read it, admittedly the self-help soft cover is a hard sell
a ham-fisted croque madame of reds and purples, a cartoonish man's loafer unceremoniously mounting a little red lady's heel
i know what this looks like but trust me it's not what you think
someone cute from the New Yorker suggests it's "like a cross between the works of Jacques Lacan and 'French Women Don't Get Fat'" on the cover
i won't confess that i read the latter but assume i have a predilection for older women's texts
not self-help per se but self-narration
elegant little books i can easily find around my parents' suburban Barnes & Noble
this one was different, i swear, because i first heard Esther Perel's Ted talk when someone posted it on facebook back in february
she had me at 'the poetics of sex' and 'the erotic as an antidote to death'
she had me more when i did a little research--the child of holocaust survivors who not only wanted to survive but also live
she had me most when my very feminist friend affirmed Mating in Captivity's place in the feminist canon
it took me some months but i read through it, and found it an easy digestible read
not quite beach gear but i admit the springtime helped
everything was in bloom, including my new relationship, and i wondered if indeed her conceit was legit:
do we sacrifice the erotic at the altar of commitment and comfort in a long-term partnership
must it be so, that my bf and i will drift into a pattern of sweatpants and domesticity, a long-held version of death in my conception of grownup love
i figured i'd preempt the problem and do some research
perel uses detailed notes from her years as a couples therapist, specializing in trauma studies
the vignettes are concise and digestible, positing perel as a guru sex academic who swoops in and repositions couples' troubles
in Bluets Maggie Nelson writes, "But why bother with diagnoses at all, if a diagnosis is but a restatement of the problem?"
of course just admitting you have a problem is the hardest part
perel re-articulates the problem thus:
"Most of us were taught at a very young age to keep our thoughts to ourselves and our hands off our bodies. Some of us were handed down a stricter message that turned our innocent curiosity into lasting shame. Schooled in silence, the inheritors of an incontrovertible distrust of sex, it is no wonder we're filled with discomfort at the prospect of conveying our innermost thoughts."
it's a grave diagnosis but i've seen it myself, growing up as a woman in the states for nearly all of my formative years
the soviet union wasn't much better from what i can tell of my parents' generation, but i was always eager to forge my own sexual path here, an erotic american dream, a bildungsromanporn of sorts
Perel's european cosmopolitanism serves as a refreshing counterpoint, then, to the culture i've been steeped in for so long i've forgotten there even exists an alternative:
"My Spanish colleague Susanna tells me that, in Madrid, her greatest sexual asset is her beautiful three-year-old son. 'In New York it's my accent, my hair, my legs, but definitely not my son.'"
imagine a world where a woman's sexual appeal only intensifies post-partum, where her motherhood serves as a boon to cooing passersby
if nothing else Mating in Captivity showed me how the other half lives and loves, how monogamy figures in long-term dynamics and even how an infidelity is not the end of love but maybe something more revealing
it's not a conservative text, to say the least, and perhaps just right for the squeamish of heart or of more private organs
it's actually delicate in its unraveling of long-held knee-jerks and inherited tropes, and to my delight it pulls from fiddler on the roof with the same ease as gaston bachelard
not academic exactly but well-read or plugged in or in touch with an entire existing lexicon of western sexuality
it takes a deft hand to construct a text from the ruins of a discourse that's failed us, kept us uncommunicative about what we want or who we want or even why we want it
"Eroticism is an imaginative act, and you can't measure it. We glorify efficiency and fail to recognize that the erotic space is a radiant interlude in which we luxuriate, indifferent to demands of productivity; pleasure is the only goal."
...and here is where Mating in Captivity elevates to literature, in its recourse to literature, its reliance on poetry and art, which are fundamental to an understanding of the erotic...
"Octavio Paz writes, 'The moment of merging is a crack in time, a balm against the wounds inflicted by the minutes and hours of time. A moment totally eternal as it is ephemeral.' It is a leap into a world beyond."
my friend LJ said to me recently that she doesn’t understand how some people can feel trapped in a relationship, or commitment freaks them out because they're afraid of losing themselves
she told me that in a relationship is where she feels free,
that we armor ourselves during the day, out in public life, but in the eyes of the beloved we can just relax and be ourselves
i remember rilke suggesting something similar but pointing in a different direction,
that we appoint the other as guardian of our solitude, so that we may preserve ourselves for the sake of the integrity of the dynamic between two people
as Perel writes, "The momentary oneness we feel with our beloved grows out of our ability to acknowledge our indissoluble separateness. In order to be one, you must first be two."
it's a relief in many ways to engage in a relationship having read this book, equipped with the knowledge that a partner helps you enter that erotic space, can tap you into your erotic mind, in which you can experience selfishness and pleasure and sometimes maybe something eternal
and that, like writing, there's a play and spontaneity (not to mention communication!) to having sex that this writer can relate to, conceptualize, and then relay to her partner
"Octavio Paz likens eroticism to the poetry of the body, the testimony of the senses. Like a poem, it is not linear; it meanders and twists back on itself. It shows us what we see not with our eyes but with the eyes of our spirit."
and i would add, as poet, with the eyes of another
that in the erotic i witness myself as a sexual being in my beloved's eyes
with a body that performs and achieves, and is capable of giving and just as deserving of receiving
like a poet who plays with the tactility of language, a woman in pleasure reveling in the limits of the body
all this, plus some choice quotes from favorite psychoanalyst adam philips, encourage a reader to let go and appreciate the book for what it is--not quite self-help but self-inquiry, not quite pop science but soft self-analysis, not quite high literature but lived poetics
i can't recommend this book enough to all my friends, especially the male ones
and though i can't ensure that it'll speak your language like it spoke mine, i can guarantee results, as measured in food for thought and conversation pieces
if nothing else it's fun to read about other people's sex lives
but maybe hide that silly cover if you're reading on the train
***
Esther Perel is recognized as one of the most insightful and provocative voices on personal and professional relationships and the complex science behind human interaction. She is the best-selling author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, translated into 25 languages. Fluent in nine of them, the Belgian native is a practicing psychotherapist, celebrated speaker and organizational consultant to Fortune 500 companies. The New York Times, in a cover story, named her the most important game changer on sexuality and relationships since Dr. Ruth. Her critically acclaimed viral TED Talk reached nearly 5 million viewers in the first year. Known for her keen cross-cultural pulse, Esther shifts the paradigm of our approach to modern relationships.
In addition to Esther’s 30-year therapy practice in New York City, she also serves on the faculty of The Family Studies Unit, Department of Psychiatry, New York University Medical Center and The International Trauma Studies Program at Columbia University. (bio adapted from Ted.com)
Photo credits:
Author photo courtesy of www.estherperel.com
Feature photo courtesy of www.theconversation.tv
